Flashbacks from the Coma
Okay. Here we go. Since after leaving the hospital that year my brain seems to give me a “New” memory once a year or so. Sometimes it will be years in between when a memory comes back. Each one is different in its own way. I'm not sure if I can really explain the emotions and feelings they each give me, but some of them are of only hearing people talk (either to me or just talking in my room). There are some memories that I specifically remember were directed toward me from my family. And others are of me watching the nurses come and go out of my room what seemed like hundreds of times. I also am not sure if I can put them in any possible time order. With each of the flashbacks/memories I can tell you it was a feeling of helplessness. I wanted to scream out that I am still here. But no one would be able to hear me.
When I was still in the ICU, the flashbacks began. My brain was still really scrambled and foggy for the first few days of me being “Awake”.
Dreams and Visions...
After coming out of the coma I was in the ICU at Cooper for about a week or so. (I was in Bed #25 by the way, that may not seem like an important detail, but it is one that seems to always stick in my memory). The flashbacks were so faint at that time. I think it was the combination of the fog still going through my brain and trying to understand what was going on.
One specific flashback memory happened near the end of being in the coma, I think. And it lasted for several seconds. Opening my eyes, not being able to talk. I am not sure if at that time I had a trach in my throat yet. I looked up and the only thing I could do was cry.... I was not able to talk or move my hands- they were restrained to keep me from trying to rip out any of the several plugs/wires going into my body. Uncontrollable fear; that is what I felt. I could not move, talk, or see anything around me. Except my fiancée and a good friend of hers. Trying to tell me it was okay. I was going to be okay and try to relax. **When I visualizing these memories, it is as if I am looking through a vignette photo filter.** Each memory has no set or defined boundary around me. They last for only a short time as I can remember each one. What is a short amount of time? I had no idea what time was. Some of them may have actually lasted fifteen minutes or more. Try to imagine that being how you remember each day of your life...
